Parenting

What is the right parenting? 

Am I a good parent? 

These are questions that will hit anyone who has become a parent. 

And I believe that there is never a definite answer.

But for sure...all parents want the best for their children.

I can't say that both me & my husband, are good parents for sure. 

We are definitely way different from the typical parents these days....yup, the typical parents.

Ok, maybe...typical parents in SG? 

Me & husband are totally slackers! Haha! 

Ariq & Arisya went to PCF for their pre-schooling. 

We didn't even survey or check out other privatised pre-schools. 😎

And when we needed to put Arisya in childcare coz we just had Aqil then, we put her in a PCF childcare too. 

And of coz Aqil...EIPIC centre....our cool dude. 😎

We started sending them to sch at the age of 4.....for nursery.

To me that is as early as can be already.

3 years of pre-school...I believe is more than enough. 

And when it came to registering Ariq for Primay 1...we placed him in my sch then! 😎

First reason is easy registration coz I'm a staff.

And secondly, we want our child to be in a neighbourhood school.

I also thought that it's be easier to go to sch together & I'm able to monitor him in sch. 

In fact there's a sch right next to our house then but we still choose the later coz as much as I can handle it...as in send & fetch Ariq to & fro...I did it that way. 

Ariq had the 'luxury' of not going to childcare. 

Yup, I believe it is a 'luxury' as compared to being in childcare for 8-10hrs daily. 

Thankfully, we have our in-laws staying with us.

Oh yes...AriqArisyAqil are pampered to the max by their grandparents.

Weekdays pampered by paternal grandparents & weekends over at maternal grandparents. 

And when we had Aqil, we had no choice but to put Arisya in childcare coz it'd be hard on my in-laws.

We didn't want a maid coz we didn't want a 'stranger' living w us then. 

And it was so so painful to see Arisya crying everyday...coz she had to wake up early in the morning to go to sch.

And how heartbroken it is to see her sleeping on the naked matress when I fetched her.

She could have been at home...sleeping with lots & lots of pillows & cushions all around her.

Yes, that's how AriqArisyAqil slept in their early years...lots of cushioning all around when they sleep. 😘

Hence it was only for a year that Arisya was in childcare.

We wanted her to be at home instead...at her safest & happiest haven. 

So we took a maid. 

Oh yes, we followed the 'trend' then too.

We signed Ariq up for taekwondo & Arisya for ballet.

But we stopped after the exams started coming. 

No...not sch exams but exams for Taekwondo & Ballet...for them to move to next level. 

We didn't sign them up for them to be stressed by more testings & exams apart frm sch.

Hence, we stopped sending them for such classes. 

And to be in sch for more than 6hrs daily is more than enough.

We feel. 

Hence, Ariq & Arisya has never had tuition nor enrichment classes other than in school. 

We get assessments books for them to practise at home. 

Only when its near the exams then they do the practices otherwise it is just school work for them. 

Ariq is not in express.

Arisya is taking Maths & Sci at foundation for PSLE.

And no...we are still not getting tuition for them. 

Cheapskate parents? 

Bad parents? 

To others...yes, maybe we are. 

But to us...we just want our children to be children. 

We don't push our children? 

No, we don't.

We want them to be children for as long as they can be.

In fact childhood is like only first 12 yrs of our lives? 

They will be in adulthood for the rest of their lives...they should be given that 12 years of childhood to be the children they are. 

We understand that they may have to start from bottom without a degree. 

But hey...we start with the lowest step when climbing up the stairs or ladder right? 

Learning is for life.

Learning never stop. 

For as long as they live...they will learn. 

Not just abt calculations or scientific facts or history...but also about life...about love, respect, kindness, perseverance etc.

There is no definite best way in parenting. 

All parents want the best for their children definitely. ❤

 

Nag Nag Nag 😜

I don't see anything wrong with sharing our happiness. 

We share news & pics of new things we bought or holidaying or cooking or getting awards & even good results & food! 

There's nothing wrong with sharing happiness...is there? 

Yes, of coz we must always remember that they are those who don't & can't afford some of the happiness that we share. 

Well, I believe...intention is the main focus here. 

What is the intention of the sharing.

And...perception.

What is the perception when looking at any particular post online. 

And anyone & everyone who uses the social media...shld know the function of it. 

Most people...most....tend to post & share 'happiness' rather than anything else. 

But in real life...we know that life is not all beautiful. 

Whatever I share online are things which I choose to share. 

I wouldn't say I share everything but I share both happiness & difficulties in my life. 

And I can't deny that I too tend to share more of my happiness just like the others. 

When I see posts of 'happiness' which are usually achievements, holidays, food etc...I enjoyed the beautiful pics a lot of coz. 😜

When I see posts abt achievements, I will go 'Wow!'. I will see that as a motivational pull...that makes me go "Hey...maybe I can do that too?" 

But I don't push myself too hard. 

I do things at my pace...a pace that I can manage & am comfortable with. 

I'd rather go slow & be happy...than to push myself & feel stressed and depressed.

Same goes for my kids. I don't push them much. (Will share more in another blog post)

And we don't go holidays much.

We don't go flying much. 

One reason is Aqil of coz, who hates flights. 

Another is of coz...monetary ones. 

When one becomes a parent...especially with a special needs child...one has no choice but to always keep in check. 😉

But hey, I love looking at holidays pics of others. 

In fact, I appreciate them doing so.

I am able to see those places through their eyes...through their lenses. 

If no one shared...I won't be able to know the existence of such places. 

So this is how it looks like inside a plane.

So this is how it looks like above the clouds.

Wow...this place exist? 

Wow...there's such a place? 

When I see posts of food? 

I go crazy! 😂

Posts of homecooked food makes me wanna try making them.

Posts of places to eat makes me wanna go & try them. 

So pls...don't stop sharing! 👌🏼

But it is sometimes nice to read up posts on coping with life...coping with challenges...coping with failures too. 

Because it is not always that we are happy. 

There are moments when we are down too. 

And sometimes...we need to let go of these down feelings instead of keep them all in. 

And sometimes...we need to know that there are others who are going through the same difficulties or challenges that we are going through. And if they can do it...so can you.

Some have this thinking that such sharings is similar to washing your dirty linen in public. 

Well, I beg to differ. 

A disclaimer though...one needs to be careful of the language & contents of such sharings. 

However...we must know that everyone has different life stories. 

Some have more ups than downs.

Some have more downs than ups. 

But our life stories is ours. 

Whether you want to share your life story or not...its up to you.

Whether you want to read up on others' life stories or not...its up to you. 

For everything happens...بإذن الله ❤️

 

18 Nov 2016 - Double Happiness ❤️💜

Today is double happiness for us. First of all, today is our firstborn's birthday. 

And today, Aqil received his first award. 

Only 2 pax per pupil was allowed otherwise we'd hv attended the event as a family! 😜

It was an eye-opener for us. 

 

 

A prize-giving ceremony which is different from the usual. 

The whole thing was sub-divided into several small, cosy ceremonies. 

So...the one that we attended was held at a Music Room. 

Along with Aqil, there were 5 other pupils....with their parent(s) & teachers. 

Refreshments were provided. 

Individually packed & given to guests aka parent(s). 

Every teacher was next to their own pupil.

Including Aqil's teachers. 

The teachers helped to ensure that the kids were calm. 

Every pupil was holding on to the visual prompter so that they knew what was going on & what was gonna take place next. 

 

As per all prize-giving ceremonies, there was an emcee. 

There were performances too...by the pupils there. 

However, the performances were pre-recorded. 

Nevertheless, we watched the video clips of performances as though they were LIVE & everyone clapped after each performance. 

So sweet isn't it? 😍

As usual, we were not allowed to record anything....only own pics were allowed. 

Respect that. 😘

It was only abt 10mins after we were seated that the ceremony began. 

Aqil was already getting a bit restless & said "Are we starting already?" 

So were the other pupils. 

And throughout the ceremony, each & everyone of them started stimming...their own way. 

It was a beautiful sight! 😍

And while at a 'normal' prize-giving ceremony whereby the awardees goes up the stage independently...every awardee at Eden was accompanied by their parent(s). 

Each awardee was given an envelope consisting of a cert & cheque. 

One threw the envelope to the floor.

One didn't wanna take the envelope.

One started to bite the envelope.

And everyone just laughed it off. 😂

Parent(s) took their time to snap pics with their child & no one was rushed. 

 

 

 

 

The ceremony for the 6 awardees took half an hour. 😉

After the prize-giving ceremony, we were brought to the canteen where there were 2 photo booths. 

Many interesting props were made available. 

Parent(s) were allowed to take as many pics as we wanted with our children. 

And the pics were printed on-the-spot for us. 😎

 

 

 

 

We felt so at home. 

Everything was so cosy for the pupils & also parents. 

The teachers welcomed parents at the lobby.

Brought parents to the venue. 

Stayed by pupils' side throughout...reminding pupils of the visual prompter now & then. 

Brought parents & pupils to photo booths.

Walked us back to the lobby before parting. 

From the moment we stepped into the sch to the moment we stepped out of the sch.

Kudos to the teachers of Eden. 😍

A time well-spent with our lil king at his school.

Then we headed back to celebrate our firstborn's birthday. 

Thank you الله....for everything! ❤️

Faith بإذن الله 💜

How do you cope? 

How do you do it? 

Basically, it is more abt coping with Aqil. 

Abt having a child with ASD. 

While managing work, study & home. 

It is abt mindset.

It is abt will.

It is abt faith.

First of all, I hv to lower my expectations. 

In many, many things. 

Aqil makes me think what is it that I expect from my children, of my life.

There is work.

There is study.

And there are my growing up children. 

I look back.

Look back at my parents. 

My inspiration. 

Abah was the sole breadwinner & Mak was a housewife...with us 7 growing up girls then. 

How did they manage? 

They didn't put expectations on us, their children. 

They didn't help us with our studies or homework then cause they didn't hv high education.

Abah finished sch at Primary 6 & Mak finished sch only at Primary 3.

But Abah made sure we always had our books with us somehow during the allocated study time daily. And Mak could only help with our spelling...and that too only in our lower primary years. 

We self-studied & dependend on each other...me & my siblings. 

And I do just that with my children. 

Not that I am academically inadequate but rather so that I can do other chores in the house. 

Ariq & Arisya will usually do their homeworks by themselves. Ariq will help Arisya wherever he can. And both of them will ask me if they hv any problems. 

And we accept whatever their achievements with open heart. As long as they move on to the nxt level...we are happy. 

Ariq & Arisya are not high achievers...and we as parents, are proud of their achievements thus far coz whatever they achieved is based on their own hard work. No home-based nor external tutoring nor any enrichment classes. 

They may take a longer route in the education journey but we are ok with that. As long as they continue the journey all the way to the end...we will always be there, encouranging them (and nag too sometimes) along the way. 

If I place too much focus on their studies, I won't be able to prepare daily meals for them. 

And that is one thing I definitely remember & appreciate of my Mak...we always had home meals, we didn't eat out then. Eating out was a luxury. 

Sacrifices.

There definitely are sacrifices to be made. 

Having a child with ASD requires more time, more effort, more spending. 

Yes, more spending. 

From the time we referred him until now...the costs has not stop. 

But we made sure Aqil gets whatever Ariq & Arisya got. We started sending him from nursery & also madrasah. 

Being in SPED sch & madrasah, his fees are much more than mainstream. 

His sch fees is 35x that of Ariq & Arisya and his madrasah fees is 4x that of Ariq & Arisya. 

And meltdowns are definitely synonym with autism. To manage these meltdowns requires lots & lots of patience. 

It will be a lie if we say that we had never snapped before. 

The big decision we had to make came when Aqil started having meltdowns taking the bus to & from sch. A few complains came from the bus driver & the break point came when Aqil actually threw his shoes at the bus driver. 

And so the husband made the sacrifice & started sending & fetching Aqil. 

Of coz we feel it. Feel the loss of income. 

And so another big decision came when we had to downgrade. While others are mostly upgrading, we downgraded frm our EA to a 4-room. 

But positively, we are now proud owners of our fully-owned house, not mortgaged. 

And the monthly bills...there is a distinct difference for sure! 😉

That's when faith comes in. We believe rizq is frm الله definitely. 

Recently, a fellow autismmum who is also a working mum, asked me if my workplace know of my child's condition & make exceptions for me.

No. 

And I don't expect to receive any exceptions. 

There is this thing abt egalitarianism.

Personally, all my children are the same & equal. Hence, as shared, Aqil gets what Ariq & Arisya got. 

And having a special needs child doesn't give me the right to put it as a burden to someone else or even to my workplace. 

Hence the sacrifice made by the husband. 

If you are to ask, why the husband...why not me when I am the mother. 

We considered ALL factors. 

And my husband is not a house husband. 

My husband do freelance work & he too brings home income. 

Just that...the income is now unstable & with no bonuses. 

While on my part, as a full-time worker & main breadwinner of the family...I have to keep my work safe. 

I treasure all the privileges & benefits I've got & always think twice abt taking leave. 

How abt work pressure? 

I don't give myself pressures. 

I don't push myself.

Coz I need to survive.

How abt study pressure? 

I don't give myself pressures.

I don't push myself.

Most finished their degree programmes in 3 or 4 years.

This is my 4th year studying & still need a few more years before completing.

Coz I need to survive.

And I have my husband to thank for making the monetary sacrifice & always being there in my place whenever the children are concerned & sharing the house chores with me (did I share that the husband do the laundry - washing, folding, ironing? 😘). 

Always have faith.

Thank you الله....for everything happens...بإذن الله 💜

 

Awareness & Acceptance

Just watched the news broadcasting the welcoming home of the paralympic team earlier. As quoted frm medalist paralympian Yip Pin Xiu, progress has been seen in the public acceptance & support for paralympic & special needs in general. 

But what is acceptance? 

What is acceptance in the eyes of the public?

What is acceptance...according to the government? 

What is acceptance to the special people themselves? 

Mainstream schools have been accepting special needs pupils...for various reasons - being a sch, of coz all children is welcomed / parents want their children to be in mainstream / no availability in SPED schs etc. 

When it comes to education, we recognise that individuals progress differently...that is among the 'normal' children...whatmore with the 'special' ones included. 

Being an educator, it is not easy to do differentiated lesson among 'normal' children. How do you think it is gonna be with special needs children included? 

Special needs children need more than the usual resources available in mainstream schools. 

This will definitely affect the lessons, assessments, programmes etc. 

And please do not forget the educators...the teachers. 

Apart frm being physically taxed, they will be emotionally taxed too coz when we connect with other people...we will somewhat be emotionally effected. 

And let's put ourselves in the special needs children shoes...is putting them in mainstream schools equals to accepting them? 

Are they able to accustomed themselves to classmates who are 'different' from them? 

Are they able to follow through the daily lessons & activities well? 

Are we showing acceptance for them by putting them in mainstream or rather are we highlighting their differences more? 

Will they feel happy being with peers who are different from them or with peers who are very much similar to them? 

Will they feel the peer pressure? 

Being in mainstream...seeing their peers doing all the things that they can't do...is that doing the special needs any good? 

In a mainstream school...generally a lesson plan is suited for the whole class.

But for special needs children...they need individual EIP. 

Why are there limited vacancies in SPED schs? 

Coz they have to keep the classes small so that teachers can give more time, more focus to each & every child.

How will this child do in a mainstream sch with a class of 30/40? 

Special needs children needs intervention, lots of it and at a consistency...will they get the intervention needed in mainstream sch? 

Taking ASD as an example...when you see one child with autism...you see only one child, you will not see another one like that child. 

If you can put a special needs child in a mainstream school...then why can't special needs people compete alongside 'normal' people in olympics? 

Yes, let's embrace special needs. 

Let's accept individuals with special needs with open arms.

But we can't deny the fact that they are different & will always be different.

What they need is the support...the special schools...the special facilities...the therapies...the understanding....the acceptance. 

 

Redha

Redha. A movie about autism. Autism awareness, Accepting autism.
It is only being exclusively shown in SG. Hence the tix is more expensive. Nevertheless, part of the cost of the tix will be donated to Autism Association Singapore.
Nope. We didn't purchase the tix coz it is expensive & to buy more than one would mean spending quite a bit.
After thinking rationally, we decided not to watch it on the big screen. We will wait for a bit before it will be available online or even in DVD.
Alhamdulillah...alhamdulillah...alhamdulillah, I got to watch it on the big screen!
In fact I'd just watch it earlier at 6.20pm & I can't wait to blog about it.
Today was just a normal Friday for us until the craziness began at 5pm. Hehe!
Me & Mr Husbern were on our way to fetch Aqil from school. So, Mr Husbern was driving & I was on my mobile...browsing my social media.
It was then that I saw a post by one of SG's blogger, Diah Mastura. Yes, I am very grateful to her for choosing to give me the tix.
She posted at abt 5pm abt 3 tix to watch Redha today at 6pm. It was a giveaway coz the person couldn't make it last minute.
I immediately responded to her post. She replied to confirm with me as it was for 6pm show & then it was 5.05pm.
After receiving her reply, I was quite hesitant coz I was worried we couldn't make it in time as we have to fetch Aqil first. But 3 tix were not enough for us & Mr Husbern is working tonight.
However, Mr Husbern persuaded me to go for it since the tix were free.
So I quickly called my lil sis for company coz Mr Husbern had to work tonight & the kids are at home.
Lil sis immediately said yes coz we were all waiting to watch this movie actually but too bad its not shown at the cinemas.
Then I went back to the post to send a reply however the post was gone! Yup, it was deleted.
For a moment I thought that's it. The tix must have been given to someone else.
Just then I received an email notification & TADAAAA!!!!!
I RECEIVED THE TIX IN MY INBOX! WOOHOO!
I was all excited! Called my sis again to arrange meeting with her at the venue. We fetched Aqil & Mr Husbern sent me to the venue. By the time we fetched Aqil, it was 5.35pm.
I sent a screen capture of the tix to sis so that she could go in first if she reached there first.
And thanks to the traffic of coz, I was delayed. Reached there at 6.20pm.
Nevertheless, we enjoyed the movie. It was touching.
The movie focussed more on children with autism.
I love how these special kids are said as 'children from heaven'.
It also bite as some of the reality of being autism parents were also surfaced.
How people will be starring & glaring at our child.
How people look at a child having a meltdown in public.
But I kinda like the ending whereby the message sent was totally beautiful.
When we are talking about children with special needs...it is nothing about winning nor scoring.
It is about persevering to encourage & motivate the child so that he/she can finish the journey that was started...albeit much slower than others.

Don't give up on them from the start.
Don't give up on them when they are struggling.
Don't give up on them when they feel like giving up.

They didn't ask to be born that way....

Stay  with them...be with them...all the way...insyaAllah....the sweetness will be beyond description.

Alhamdulillah....thank you Ya Rabb!

Sardines

Life. 

Life will be simple & satisfying if you think of it as such.

Life will be unfair & sucks if you think of it as such. 

Learn to be happy. 

Happy with every little things in life.

Learn to be grateful.

Grateful & appreciative of every little things in life.

Growing up in a family of nine with Abah as the sole breadwinner...and as a mechanic at that, we never knew what was luxury. 

We never went anywhere for holidays. 

Oh...maybe we did, if you consider 'balik kampung' as going 'overseas'. 

That's the further we went & that was in JB too. 

No toys. 

Serious. No toys.

So what do we play with? 

We played at the playground.

We played at the void deck.

We played at home.

Our toys? 

Name it.

Blankets.

Eldest sis's stilettos.

Pillows.

Sofa.

Pots.

Pans.

Baby powder.

And we had lots of fun coz we used our imagination.

We opened a shop. We taught a class. We drove (though Abah never owned a car).

Life was great. 

But never once did we ever starved. Never. 

Coz breakfast or lunch or dinner would always be yummy comfort food of fried eggs + soy sauce or fried fish + soy sauce or stir-fried taugeh & beancurd or sardines etc. 

Mak & Abah had never bought any fast-food for us. 

Too expensive. 

Every morning, Abah made us eat half-boiled eggs. 

Supplements too expensive.

Half-boiled eggs are good for the brain according to Abah. 

Then he would send us to school on his motocycle. 

One by one. 

Abah would come back home for lunch...everyday.

Mak would make sure lunch was ready on the table...everyday.

We never went hungry. 

We were staying in a three-room flat then. 

Abah's first owned flat.

We stayed in a rental flat for the first 5 years of my life. 

We stayed in the three-room flat for 13 years.

We moved because of SERS. 

There were 8 of us then. And we all slept together on mattresses in the living room. 

No aircon. 

We cuddled up close & slept well throught the nights & even woke up late.

We were happy. 

And today?

People are all unhappy.

Unhappy with life.

Unhappy with work.

Unhappy with everything.

Why?

Because a flat is so not in.

Because a car 'needs' to be changed every 3-4 years.

Because Hyundai or Toyota or KIA is so not in.

Because Charles & Keith is so not in whatmore Perllini.

Because Bata is so not in.

Because it is a must to go 'overseas' for holidays. 

Because even Private Suite at KKH is so not in to give birth at.

Because a sick child 'need' to go to a paediatrician & not any GP. 

So think again.

Life makes you unhappy or you make yourself unhappy? 

Sardines is good.

Sardines is good with rice.

Sardines is good with prata.

Sardines in good with bread. 

Sardines is good for puffs.

Who said sardines is not good? 

Who said sardines is unhealthy? 

Me & my sistaz grew up eating sardines.

We loved sardines then.

We love sardines now.

Anyway, I wasn't really talking abt sardines here. 

Get it? 😁