It hurts but I just had to do it...

Wasn't really a good morning when I woke up this morning...ok, something is grammatically wrong with the sentence?
Haha! Nah...it really wasn't a good morning.
The plan today was to wash the kids'bedlinens...so I got them to take their bedlinens off after they have washed up...they refer to Ariq & Arisya of course. Then...I have yet to step into the living room.
As Ariq headed to the laundry room (service balcony) to put the bedlinens into the washing machine, I followed him from the back...coz I'd have to start the washer spinning ofcourse.
And as I walked past the living room...I'd scanned around. Yes...that's me...I'd naturally scan my eyes around the house to ensure everything is in place.
I was shocked when I looked up at the ceiling...there were pieces of tissue papers there! Yes! If you'd seen those in the public toilets...wet tissues planked onto the ceiling? Exactly like that!
My blood shot to above boiling point I guess!
"Ariq! Arisya!" I shouted...nevermind that the neighbours could actually hear me. I was fuming.
When asked...both of them denied. They actually denied...strong-heartedly...but no one else could have done it. Obviously not Aqil...he has never asked for tissues.
With anger overcoming my mind, I reached for a hanger & spanked them....and they still refused to own up.
Aqil started screaming & covering his ears when I did that.
"Don't hit my sister! Don't hit my brother!"
Yes...that slashed through my heart. I didn't wanna resort to hitting...but they actually refused to own up.
I paused. Everything went silent except for Ariq's & Arisya's sobbings. The phone rang but no one answered...coz I didn't & they were scared to answer.

I tried to clear my thoughts...I just knew one of them did it but I can't pinpoint who...coz it didn't happen before.
Aqil was walking around the living room...still with his hands covering his ears.
"Aqil...its ok. Put down your hands. Mama don't shout anymore"
"What?" he said.
"Put down your hands...Mama stop shouting ok..." and he did.

My goodness. There I was causing 'hurt' to all three of them.
It hurts but I had to do it. Those tissues on the ceiling....thats totally wrong! Its the first time & will not be another time.

With the older two refusing to own up...I randomly asked Aqil..."Aqil...who did that?" I pointed to the ceiling...and Aqil actually looked at where I was pointing!
"Who did that? Kakak or Abang?"
"Kakak" he answered almost spontaneously.
I looked at Arisya & turned to Aqil again...repeating the question.
"Kakak" and this time he pointed to her.

There it was.
I looked at Arisya and she started crying louder before I even said anything.
"Why? Why didn't own up?"
She didn't answer...instead she just cried louder.
I don't know why but I didn't spank or scold her...I told her to take the broom & get the tissues off the ceiling.

Everything was tensed then...until now. Yes, until now as I am blogging abt it. All three are in the bedroom with me...

I talked to Arisya & asked her why...she just said she didn't know.
Lying is not uncommon...it is wrong but it is natural...with circumstances.
I am still trying to understand why she refused to own up. But as I think abt it, Ariq obviously didn't lie, even though Arisya didn't own up...she didn't accuse Ariq nor did Ariq accuse Arisya. Both of them just kept saying they didn't do it even after being spanked.

And I am actually very pleased with that. I was able to see Ariq being firm that he didn't do it & Arisya might have refused to own up coz she was scared...scared that she would get more spankings? As long as she didn't own up...Ariq was there facing the scoldings with her?
I don't know actually. But I have told her what she did was wrong. The tissues was wrong...not owning up was wrong...getting Ariq to be spanked coz she didn't own up was wrong.
She just cried and cried then.

I learnt a lot from this.
I learnt more abt my AriqArisyAqil...something abt them individually.
Ya Rabb...I seek your guidance as always...

Sleeping in Autism

Ever since Aqil is born...I hadn't had more than 6hrs of sleep.
He's wake up every 10-15mins when put down. He's the only one we had to get the sarung swing for...the sarung swing allowed me to have that extra hr or two of sleep.
Baby cot was never for Aqil...he has been co-sleeping with us like forever. Or maybe I shouldn't say it that way...he's been co-sleeping with us for the first three years? Then he started sleeping later and later until the wee hours...
For these two years....he's been falling asleep at 4/5am...waking up at 1pm for school and madrasah.
How did we survive? Haha! We just have to...
Ariq & Arisya will get to bed around 10pm...and they almost immediately fall asleep especially on weekdays.
Me & the husbern on the other hand tried to stay awake for as long as our eyes can take...for we want to keep Aqil company. Putting him in bed is never a success....he'd get down from the bed every now and then.
We'd doze off once the eyes can take it no more. What happen to Aqil?
He'd be playing with the ipad...when the ipad is dead...he'll look for my hp to watch YouTube.
Oh yes! We know the importance of sleep...we know he needs to sleep but this is part of him. This is autism.

Don't let him play ipad? Keep it away? Well...that ipad is the reason why we can have our sleep daily. With the ipad...Aqil is kept occupied without disturbing us...in the pitch dark room. As long as he doesn't get frustrated...he'd not disturb us.
Much as we know Aqil needs his sleep...we as parents should ensure he sleeps properly....but in reality...we need to prioritise.
We need to work...we need to have that rest...we need to have that sleep.
Aqil is still ok since he's getting 7-8hrs of sleep though the timing is haywired. Hence...the ipad is a saviour to us...for keeping Aqil occupied so that we can have our much need rest after a day's work.

But recently...his sleeping hours got twarted quite badly until its causing him to miss school.
Since last week...he started falling asleep at 7+ in the morning. Then it got later....at 10+am....and later....and today he only fell asleep at 4pm.
Missing school is one thing...he's also missing his chicken rice meals. This is worrying as we can only bring him out for his chicken rice after work.
He's already not getting all the nutrients that a growing up child needs...and now, he's missing his rice meals too.

Hopefully this haywired sleep will be straightened as soon as possible...insyaAllah....amin 3x.

Understanding. Perseverance. Acceptance.

Being an autismmum...I hv a soft spot for children with special needs especially those diagnosed with autism.
In fact, I love seeing these children & if given a choice...would like to know more about them as a learning process for an autism mum.
It has always been a learning process with Aqil and it will continue to be in future. Just when I thought I'd understood him...he will portray a new trait which requires us to start adapting to it all over again.

Yes...us adapting to him. Why not?
It has always been the other way. Its always the children having to adapt to what is wanted by the adults. Its always about the special needs children having to conform to certain routines. Why can't it be the other way?

A child with autism has high sensitivity & low threshold for almost everything.
A colourful classroom or nursery maybe beautiful to all but to those with autism...the colours maybe too much for them.
A classroom is often decorated so nicely & the walls and boards are filled with all the words taught to the kids...but to a child with autism, those words are causing his world to spin.
And when the child melts down...he or she is often seen as not adaptive...not following rules.
Put yourself in the child's shoe. What might the child be feeling?

A child with autism or generally a child with special needs is always a child first then the autism or special needs.
He or she too wants to be accepted, be understood, be loved, be respected.

How does it feel to be dragged out of a room against your wish?
That's exactly what the child is feeling.

A meltdown requires understanding...& lots of patience. It all depends on what the child is feeling or going through.
Screaming, wailing & crying are ways for them to let go of their feelings. It is always their way of attracting your attention...yes, your attention as they are trying to tell that they are uncomfortable.

When the child is having a meltdown, eyes will already be on him or her. Dragging the child away may hurt the child emotionally.

A child with autism is most of the time in a world of their own...hence they are oblivious of the real world. It is true that we hv to get them to learn abt  the real world but not by force...never.

And every child is different...unique.
This child might be able to adapt easily but that child just requires a longer time. One child may experience meltdowns more often than the other child. One technique may not apply to all.

More and more of these children are in mainstream schools.
One reason can be its the parents' choice. Some parents maybe in denial of their child's condition. But do understand that it is already tough for the parents to know that their child is different from the other children. Some parents especially those who placed such beautiful dreams & high hopes ever since the pregnancy was discovered...the heartbreak that they might be going through is indescribable.

Some parents are more accepting of their child's condition however, the shortage of teachers and classes in special needs schools leave them no choice but to place their child in mainstream school.

In whatever case...it is never the child's decision...the child didn't ask to be place in that particular sch...the child didn't want to behave that way...the child want to be in the classroom but the ambience is too much to be handled...the child wants to learn but too much info is causing congestion in his head...

All they ask for or want is for the people around to understand...be more perseverance with their antics & accept them as they are....

Traveling with Autism

Traveling to HK at the age of 2 in 2010 was Aqil's first flight. He was seated with me latched by a seatbelt while Ariq & Arisya had their own seats....not because of his condition because then he was only 2yrs old. Both flights...to & fro, Aqil was cranky. He refused to be latched to me, struggling to be released. Well, of course I had no choice but to hold on to him during the take-offs & landings. However, the 3-4hrs trip was quite taxing coz this lil prince of ours refused to be seated & was cranky every time we tried to sit him down. He'd run around the isle in the plane...yes! Around the whole plane! 

However, since his condition wasn't known yet...we didn't think much of it. We just shrugged it off as maybe, he needed his own seat as he refused to be latched to me. And we looked at his running around the plane was a relieved from being 'tied' up....well, he was only 2 then. 

We were lucky the HK flights were only 3-4hrs...and we had such beautiful staffs on the plane who were attending to us & Aqil every time he was cranky or running around the plane. In fact, Aqil was even given a model plane by one of the stewards before we got off the plane. 

And so...2 years later, we planned another long-distance trip! Haha! Now...then in 2012, we have referred Aqil to KKH & he was receiving therapies & seeing specialists. We know of his condition...what he was particular of and such...but we decided to go ahead with the trip coz we thought it'd be good to expose him to flight conditions often too. But we forgot that he was no longer the 2-yr-old he was. 

Hence, being a 4-yr-old...he's obviously bigger and louder! Yikes! And so, when he started screaming when we boarded the plane, eyes were on us. We had difficulty consoling & calming him down coz people were 'pushing' in to get to their seats thus we were stacked at our seats...cramped for much movements. Soon after, a steward came by & tried to calm Aqil down...to the extent of carrying him to the cabin, to distract him (we forgot abt the situation of people boarding the plane at that time could cause the anxiety in Aqil). Aqil quitened down as he was carried away by the steward. 

Nah...we could see him from where we were, and we were so thankful for the staffs again...going all out to make the passengers comfortable. 

So once everyone is seated for take-off....the steward returned Aqil to us. This time Aqil had his own seat...hence we buckled him up in his seat. But he was cranky...crying continuously during the take-off. I could only hold on to him & verbally assured him that everything was ok & it would be over soon (the take-off). 

The crying continued even after the take-off but more to sobbing & crankiness. All the while Aqil was passed between me, the husbern & the sista...for us to take turns to calm him down. Hugs & carrying him helped him to quieten down. And eventually...abt an hr or so...he was quiet. Why? Hehe...he fell asleep. Alhamdulillah...we were able to continue the flight in peace after that. 

The trip to Seoul was the same as the trip to HK...both were 5days trips. 

But back in HK, Aqil was much smaller...he was more on formula than food. And at that time, he was still eating porridge hence, feeding him was not a problem. The trip to Seoul was a different story...the 5 days seems to be draggy. 

By 2012...we sort of knew & suspected of Aqil's autism....though it had not been officially diagnosed. Hence all the conditions & situations he was particular of....we knew. Hence, we brought along his chocolate wafers & Cadbury chocolates...coz we're expecting him to be fussy abt food. And yes...the prediction realized. It was more difficult to get nice halal food in Seoul....most were Indian/Mediterranean food which Aqil do not eat. By the 3rd day...we became a bit desperate...coz he needed to eat something though he didn't really asked for it. We turned to McD (not halal). After checking to make sure they used only veg oil for the fries, we bought a pack for Aqil. And guess what? He refused to eat the fries..."it's different!" He said, pushing the fries away! 

SubhanaAllah...that could be His way of protecting this special lil human. It did struck us...but then we were desperate for him to eat something then. 

So Aqil was just feeding on the chocolate wafers & Cadbury chocolates that we brought from home that few days. Best thing...we couldn't find any Cadbury in Seoul! Aargh! We understood that the wafers couldn't be found overseas coz its locally produced but Cadbury? 

Haha! By day 4...Aqil only had his formula to feed on before we head back home. We could see he was a bit lethargic & weaker. We just couldn't wait to head back home & feed him something! 

Flight back home was a bit easier...he was still cranky but maybe because he lacked the food hence no energy to be kicking or screaming. 

We felt so so so guilty then. We shouldn't have gone on the trip. But then again, if we didn't go...we wouldn't had the experience. No more planes since then...not with Aqil. Even the sista who was with us during the Seoul trip...strongly said no flights for Aqil yet....until he's much bigger or begin accepting other food. 

Luckily the other 2 are more independent hence we can safely leave them to follow their aunties on trips. For Aqil...not yet. Even the 3-day trip to KL last Dec was exhaustive for us. Aqil was cranky every time we reached the car park of the hotel coz he wanted to go home. And he's refusing even McD fries saying it's different! (Halal in Msia) We were lucky he eats the chicken rice at Pavillion. But one can imagine...everyday, we have to go to Pavillion for his chic rice fix. 

However, a few days of crankiness is worth it...we still have to expose him to the real world...we can't allow him to continue be in just his comfort zone. Aqil has to learn to adapt. The real world is a rough ride. It will be hard every time...and it may even take forever for him to be able to be apart from home...even just for a short trip...but we'll never give up. 😉