Not that I love him or favor him more than my first two. Know for sure that every child is different...that every child is unique & special is each own way. But a child with special needs requires that extra understanding.
And that requirement....can definitely cause a dilemma every now & then.
Aqil only eats chicken rice & it's not just any chicken rice...only from certain places. Hence every day...yes, every day we have to bring him to the places to have his chicken rice. Growing up bigger each day has of course increase his appetite too. He eats 2-3 plates each time...well, because it's once daily. He'll hv McD fries or Choc wafers for lunch.
We tried...and will continue trying to introduce other food to him, just to no avail until now.
The only way to ensure that he is fed sufficiently is to bring him to have his chix rice daily...same places. And in the process, Ariq & Arisya have gotten tired of the food there. We can't blame them coz me, myself, sometimes I don't know what to eat at those places anymore...the same things again and again. So now, Ariq & Arisya will often opt not to tag along when we bring Aqil out for his meal of the day.
This can be heartbreaking...I do get the feeling that I am prioritizing Aqil over Ariq & Arisya but then again, that is Aqil.
Dilemma seeps in...
Aqil will be on his iPad or my handphone almost every minute except of course when he's attending school or weekend class. We tried shifting his attention elsewhere....the TV, bought him manipulatives or toys but these can only occupy him 1-2 hours daily after which he will ask for his iPad again.
And with work & more work at home, there is just that much time we can sit down with him to shift his attention away.
Almost every time we lay in bed, our eyes will automatically shut...especially after a long day at work. And there is Aqil still awake...take his iPad away & he'll be screaming his lungs out for the longest time he can. With Ariq & Arisya already asleep, we can only let him be otherwise the whole house will be awake too. Not to mention Ariq & Arisya...both of us are usually too shagged by then to handle him if he starts throwing tantrums...in the wee hours?
So sometimes...when I read or hear abt techniques or ways of handling a child with special needs...I'd go "Yeah right...easier said than done". And when I let him be...I'd start questioning myself..."Am I being a good parent?"
Dilemma seeps in...
Seriously...attending to a special needs child requires a lot....a lot....and a lot of patience, time & energy. We...parents can break down eventually if we really follow the book or have high demands in ourselves or the child particularly...really...and seriously.
I attended a course on special needs recently and the facilitator reminded us to mind what we say when sharing or giving opinions & that there is no right or wrong answer to our discussions....and I totally understood what she meant.
Being humans...to compare has almost become a natural thing to do....and comparing can be hurtful to others. Being humans...and in the world that we are living in...slowing down doesn't seem like an option....but to others they don't even have the privilege to opt.
Yesterday night, Aqil was down with his tantrums again. He was getting frustrated with the game he was playing on his iPad. But he refused to stop when told to. It was already late at night. Ariq & Arisya were asleep. Both of us...yes, both of us turned to stern & angry approaches to handle him....resulted in iPad taken away, spanking him, the child wailing. Yes, he did give up fighting and sobbed himself to sleep.
I woke up this morning with that still vivid on my mind....looked at him who's calmly asleep and my heart broke....totally broke and the question came again...."Am I a good parent?"
I put myself in his shoes....and these came to mind....(1) he was frustrated coz he kept losing the game & he melted down coz he couldn't manage his frustrations - and we saw it as him throwing tantrums....(2) he refused to stop when told too because he didn't want to give up, he still wanna try to win the game - and we saw it as he was not listening to us....(3) he gave up and sobbed himself to sleep coz Mama & Dad were really angry & he didn't want his parents to be angry with him never mind that Mama & Dad didn't understand what he was feeling with all the frustrations of losing the games - and we saw it as finally he's listening & we won.
I cringed when I actually understood him but.... only the next morning....kissed him lightly and whispered "Mama sorry Sayang..."
